Photochick at large

A confirmed

2007-01-11T23:57:00.000-05:00

There is nothing I am sure of and nothing I am sorry about. I am not apologetic for saying no. I am not responsible for someone else’s fantasy. It is not my fault that someone was hurt; they ignored the reality of the situation. I know I did nothing wrong. Why then, do I feel like the train that ran over Bambi?

Just for laughs

2006-11-16T09:24:00.000-05:00

Go ahead, let out a big one….

The other day while leaving work I made a small stop in the ladies room…nothing really noteworthy here except for this small unimportant event. As I was flushing the toilet and leaving the stall I grabbed my bag off the hook on the door and thought something went flying. As I looked back at the toilet I thought, what just went flying? So I looked in my bag and saw all my keys and that random note to myself but no cell phone. Where could it have gone, are you getting this yet? Cell phones can be flushed down toilets in hospitals. I am not sure if it is the extra strength flush or if any toilet will work, but I will tell you that they go all the way down!

Wonder if the alligators know how to dial, those teenage mutant ninja turtles may start making long distance phone calls….hmm…better cancel the phone service!

The pies have it

2006-11-02T23:47:00.000-05:00

It is November. An exciting month for North Americans, well the ones who live in the 50 stars and stripes anyway, Thanksgiving, ooh aahhh. Can you all tell how I am looking forward to the turkey fest. Here is the low down on my families celebration of gastronomical gluttony, where to start though?

The turkey trot is a 10k ‘fun run’ that my brother drags us to every year, although I manage to sleep through it most years. It begins the day at about 5:30 when we head downtown to Detroit in the freezing cold. The run is along the parade route where people begin to gather at about 6am to see half dressed cheerleaders, marching bands as they, and of course the floats and giant turkey balloon (yes I am purposefully leaving out the big man in red). After this fun filled frigid adventure the crew comes back to the neighborhood to veg and eat before running off to a football game they know we will loose, the Lions are not a great football team.

While all this goes on I slave away, albeit by choice, in the kitchen to bake pies. Yes I make them from scratch, the pumpkin comes out of a vegetable and not a can (or is it a fruit?), and the apples are sliced and spiced by my own two hands. The dough, which often makes me want to throw my hands up in frustration, is never the same from year to year as my dough recepies never last a year. I’m not sure why this happens, I don't alter the recipes, but at some point around August the recipe that I have had great success with for months begins to implode, and no it is not attractive.

I do this by choice, I enjoy the aggravation and process of making things that will be eaten and enjoyed by those whom I care for. So what is different this year? They don’t want my pies. While this should not devastate me, it does. Here is the reason; my family and I have almost nothing in common. For years I have been the odd man out, the one no one understands. Now I am religious while my family is not. They cannot understand what has become of their liberal speaking free spirited family member. I keep telling them I'm still here, but they don't seem to believe me, and yes I am slightly less liberal than I was, but hey who would not choose the republicans over the democrats at least ¼ of the times?

The one thing I bring to the feast, one I cannot partake of, is the dessert. It is my only contribution to this otherwise torturous event. The meal is a roast where everyone is given a turn in the hot seat and my turn seems to outlast everyone else’s. Why do I go? I hate the event. It makes me nuts year after year. Oh I forgot to mention people come in from out of state and country for the turkey. It is the event of the year; only this year they want nothing from me. They want my presence as the butt of the jokes and as a punching bag, but not what I can give them. This year I will be bringing nothing, my pies will go unmade and my one contribution to this family gathering is no longer wanted.
Happy thanksgiving everyone.

The 4 am wake up call

2006-10-20T13:42:00.000-04:00

I woke up at 4 am with a scream in my throat. I am to old to have nightmares; nightmares that wake you up with a scream locked in your throat. The type of scream that leaves your throat raw and feeling closed off. I was being eaten alive, and no not by Alsatians, I was being eaten alive by vampires. The blood sucking type that drain you until there is only a drop left and then make you drink of them so you become a living demon with no choice but to kill others to feed. They call it a living death right? I woke up thinking he, the vampire, was feeding off of me as if I was a well-cooked steak. I woke with a scream trapped in my mind. I lay in bed thinking, this is not real and I aught to shut my imagination off. I stared at the ceiling feeling the back of my neck for holes or blood. I looked at the window and thought, I am so glad they cannot get in without an invitation.
As I kept going over the dream and thinking, Buffy and I parted ways many years ago. Then I started wondering, does a Mogen Dovid (Star of David) work the same way a cross does? If holy water can burn them, then if I am making a shehakol over a cup will it do the same thing? I pondered all of these things while trying to figure out if I had any type of wooden stake in my house. Wonder what Jung or Freud would say?
I wonder what will eat me this evening, will I escape? Will I survive?

Non-observant Jews and the non-Jews who marry them…

2006-10-05T09:53:00.000-04:00

So what am I supposed to say when I find out a chick in my class is married to a Jew and her mother in law is giving her a hard time about the fact that she is not Jewish??? I make no secret of the fact that I am an observant Jew, very hard to hide when you are freaking out trying to finish all your work on non-existent weekends due to Yom Tovim (holidays).
I admit sometimes I will be in your face, when you are being inappropriate or saying things that are blatantly false I will call you on it, no we do not make matzos out of blood!!!! But how to deal with the every day?
When I found out about the intermarriage I said something along the lines of the in-law wanting to have Jewish grandchildren and since the religion goes through the mother she is upset and coming to terms with it, was this the wrong thing to say? I was not being confrontational just trying to point out what is probably going on in her mother-in-law's head. Should I have kept my mouth shut?
How about the brother’s girlfriend, what am I supposed to say to him. He gets annoyed when I ignore her; well I was not ignoring her only greeting my grandpa and aunt first, what is wrong with that? I talk to her when we are in the same room and all that, I’m not rude, well perhaps the better way to say it is I am polite! He knows how I feel, he has known how I felt for years now, why is it always such a surprise to him when he asks and I tell? The answer does not change. For a smart guy he is acting stupid. He always thinks mom would have sided with him, here is my proof… in her letter to us, the one we received a year after her death, she said that we should both marry someone Jewish. Ummmm, your so right A she would back you up 100%!!!!
Ok, I am taking a deep breath. Oh by the way I hope everyone had a meaningful and worthwhile fast!

what was that

2006-09-06T16:33:00.000-04:00

Am I supposed to feel desirable??? A guy driving a truck came along side of me the other day, on the highway no less, and we were all going about 65 to 70 mph. He then tried to get my phone number. Was I supposed to feel powerful or disturbed?

Pride and Prejudice

2006-09-03T11:50:00.000-04:00

Does any one ever wonder what happened to Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy after the wedding? I wonder how many children they had and if they were in love with each other until they died. I wonder if he ever got so bothered by his mother in laws idiot ways and father in laws uncouth manner that he just went over the edge. I can see it now, the unknown ruin of one of England’s best-loved and wealthiest families. Do you think Jane and Mr. Bingly ever acted with spite? What kind of name is Fitzwilliam?? Who names their son Fitzwilliam? Is Mrs. Bennet truly a heroic character or is she an annoying comic relief? Why is it that this story is a favorite, of mine at least, that I can reread almost daily. It is the greatest love story. What about Lady Kathryn De’Burgh, she is such a tough nut…makes you want to run up and do childish things in her face. I often wonder what happens to Mr. Collins and his wife, whose name alludes me at present. She definitely wears the pants in that relationship. Here is another random thought, why does a story that I know nearly by heart still make me so happy when I read it? It feels like I am sitting down to tea with old friends when I pull it off the bookshelf.

Inner reflections on a rainy day

2006-08-28T19:43:00.000-04:00

I should not be allowed to date. Not for any of the obvious reasons, such as it being a horrific experience, but, rather, for a hidden one. I have an overactive imagination and get way to invested and interested way to easily. Its not that I think I will know on a first date but after a first date, if I have a second, inevitably a well meaning friend begins going on about how this is it, I’m done with the dating thing, and I, idiot that I am, let them. More than letting them, I buy into it and begin to add to the imaginings. This is a massively self-destructive path, aside from the fact that I love to sabotage myself. If I like a guy and it is going well, I will say things I don’t even agree with just so they end it. What is wrong with me? I must like being alone even while hating it. Perhaps I just believe that I don’t deserve to be happy; one of those lovely hold overs from my tortuous public school days of being the fat kid who was weird. I forget, I am not fat anymore and I am not odder than anyone else. I deserve to be happy! I will be happy.

?!?!?!?!

2006-08-28T08:03:00.000-04:00

Chasidism…could I live that life? I had a truly odd Shabbos consisting of two very nice, but pushy, ladies come banging on my door telling me I had to go out with this guy, NOW!!!! Ummm, hello, its Shabbos afternoon. BB I love you really, but huh? In the space of 24 hours I have been on three dates with a guy in whose community women not only don’t drive but they also shave their heads! Ummm, yeah what’s going on? Not only that, but I drove on the dates, how truly odd and strange. On the upside when I needed gas he pumped it and washed my windows!

landmines oops landlines and other phone issues

2006-08-23T09:44:00.000-04:00

I finally connected a phone line to my house, three cheers for the racket that AT&T has in Michigan. I went out and bought phones too, how truly exciting. In the 24 hours I have had both a phone and a phone line can any one guess how many telemarketer calls I have received for other people??? Come on, just try a number.... five! Those are just the ones I answered, no one has this number yet so I should really know better and just ignore the phone but through force of habit I answer.

On a side note, I love baseball games. The fans at baseball games are great; they get into the game in a polite and non-aggressive way. To me baseball is the best spectator sport, oh yeah and I caught a ball at the Tiger’s game on Monday, add the fact that they beat Chicago by 6 runs and I fed my family an all kosher meal and it was a great evening.

New York

2006-08-20T02:40:00.000-04:00

As I sit in new York at 2am I wonder about the oddity’s in life. I spent two hours on a bus with a sheet down the middle separating the men from the women after having been driven to the bus stop by someone I barley know who was trying to set me up with their son who may or may not be heading off the derech after spending the evening with a family whose mother pulled out her shiduch meeting notes and began telling me about a 33 year old who still has hair! Previous to this I sat in the rain on a porch waiting for someone to answer a door when no one was home and I was at the wrong house. Let me think are we up to lunch yet??? Lets skip all the crazy ness from Shabbos day and night and go to Friday.
I cooked food for people I was not eating at and got spit up on by a friend’s baby after being the judge for said friends “swimming and diving” competition with her other friend who is a mother of three! They had me judge who could stand on their hands the longest in the pool.....among other odd races.
Thursday night was a wedding in Monsey, how I got to the wedding is the really interesting part. I had a date who picked me up from Far Rockway and drove me to the wedding, no he had no reason to go to Monsey. I thought of taking BB’s suggestion and calling him James, but that would have been to odd. Where was I?? Oh yeah the scotch.....I think we will leave that one where it is.
What will tomorrow bring, a date with someone 2 years younger and 2 inches shorter than me perhaps???

2006-07-30T23:48:00.000-04:00

Sleeplessness seems to follow me these days, that and a twitchy left eye. I am 27 and feeling rather restless. I bought a house…why you may ask would someone buy a house in an area they do not like, well, there is no easy answer to that one. I suppose I want a place to live that I will feel comfortable in, but I am not sure that is a good answer.

I hate my job. I hate my classes. I am not enjoying things too much these days. This is a strange issue as I am generally a very positive glass in half full type, but it is fading with my youth.

I am not old I just feel it. I buried one parent and watched another marry. I have seen death claim loved ones in numerous ways, ranging from suicide to drowning to devastating disease. Why am I dwelling on this? Is this what happens to the Jewish psyche during the three weeks and more specifically the nine days? Is it possible to be chronically depressed and not want to solve it? Is it possible to sabotage ones own life and not realize it?

I have a new theory about some people; here it is so bear with me people (it is still a work in progress). I think that sometimes people attempt to get close to you, to reach out and try to get to know you, to begin a relationship with no intent on cultivating it. I think some people need to start and never end. They have a desire to put in a bit of effort just so they can say they tried it. The truth is these people do not want to deal with anyone’s baggage, even their own. They like to give the impression that they are monuments to righteousness and a sterling example of all that is good, however, they are only putting on a show.

A harsh reality, life is not fair. A harsher reality, life is not easy. The harshest of all realities, life is so acutely painful that sometimes you wonder what the purpose is.

Pain, it is supposed to build character and enable us, humans, to grow. Really it just hurts. Everyone likes to say how strong so and so is, or how strong they think I am, in reality I cower like everyone else. I hurt and feel pain and bleed just as easily as the next person.

I need to be and give love just as you do, remember that the next time you want to say something nasty to me. I am just as unimportant or important as you are; I am just as replaceable.

Will it ever stop?

2006-07-13T22:11:00.000-04:00

So this afternoon I was lying in bed reading a book thinking about the nature of fasting when I heard some noise in my kitchen. Yes I was wondering what it could be so I walked out of the bedroom and started down the hall when I saw a young, early 20’s, black man walking in my apartment. Befuddled I yelled what are you doing here get out!! At which point he called me a very unflattering name and walked out my front door. Yep that is right I have now had my apartment broken into not once but twice! What next?

The big issue here is that I now find myself looking very suspiciously at black men. So is this a product of society or a product of their bad decisions? Not all black men are bad, I know this, but how am I to reconcile my emotions and thoughts on this one. He looked at me and I will admit to being afraid. I truly feared; if he had had a weapon I have no doubt that he would have used it. Will he come back? I don’t know; I will no longer sleep in my apartment though. I do not feel safe in the middle of the day, I look over my shoulder, and I am not sure how I will sleep again.

What is this world coming to? Is it humanity as a whole that has become corrupt and disgusting or is it just individual people?

For those of you wondering, the cats are fine they are staying at my dad’s house for a while…. hope they like camp!

Home owning and long distance dating

2006-07-12T12:01:00.000-04:00

Well, I am officially a homeowner. ARGH!!!! Very scary I must say. Closing was relatively easy; all I had to do was sign my life away. A 30- year mortgage, very scary thought.

Ok, what is the point of me talking to someone in South Africa? I have no desire to live there, ever! I would love to live in a different country, but SA is at the very bottom of the list after Cambodia. I spoke to this guy from SA and well, how unexciting. He is perfectly nice and normal, and I am board senseless. Another thing is, what is the point of courtship over the phone? I am a visual person, I need to see the person, look at their reaction to things…. I cannot keep doing these phone calls…it is unfair to him right?

An insomniac's thoughts

2006-06-25T17:19:00.000-04:00

It is nearly three am and I am awake, I was up late baking and reading, not something so out of the ordinary for me, but…. I read an interesting line.
“There is never anything to be gained by taking an easy road. (Unless, of course the road is an easy one to begin with. Roads sometimes are.”
Are roads every meant to be easy? Have I just never noticed the easy ones? Life is what it is, op perhaps it is what I make of it. Life, my life is what I choose. I have free will, an ability to choose, have I made good ones?
I want so much to be a good person, but am I? I want so much to walk an honest path, an honorable path, and a path that I can look back on and approve of. More to the point I want to walk a path that my mother would have approved of. I so want her to be proud of my choices, to hear her voice telling me that I am a good person. She was so kind and good; can I ever live up to my own standards of her?
Her voice is in my head, but sometimes it is too silent. Sometimes I don’t know what she would say. Would she tell me to keep moving forward or would she tell me to reevaluate before moving forward?
I long for her voice. I long for her smell. I long for her.
Is it the companionship? She was, and is, my mother. She would talk to me at 2 in the morning if I asked. Is it companionship that I long for or perhaps the appearance of my zivug? Is this what I am waiting for? I am not melancholy, I am just wanting. I want to have a mate. Someone to tell silly thoughts to, someone who will laugh at my odd turns of phrase with me. I want and I long and I wait.
In the meantime I will close the book, turn off the light, and attempt to dream.

Baruch Hashem…

2006-05-24T22:59:00.000-04:00

So I would not usually write something so touchy feely, but here it is. I came home this afternoon and found my apartment broken into. They had taken quite a lot, the items taken were worth a lot of money, but they were worth more to me as they had belonged to my mother and her mother before her and so on. They were the testament to her passing things on to me, or at least a concrete reminder of her life.
After the police and the locksmith and all the other things that went on tonight I am slightly exhausted, but here is the thing. I am not devastated. I am not angry. I am not blaming any one.
What, you may ask has enabled me to be so calm after loosing priceless heirlooms? Here it is, the profound moment…I am not in control! I realized that it is all in Hashem's hands. It is not up to me what happens. I cannot control the bad or the good in my life. I can only react to it in a manner befitting a Bas Melach (daughter of a king).
I am not saying that I did not feel violated, I did. I am not saying that I did not feel angry or afraid, I did. I want my things back. I want to be able to hand my mothers pearl necklace her father gave her down to my own daughter, but I can’t now. I can still hand her the story, I can tell her how loved and cherished the women of our family were. That was not taken from me.
Hashem will judge those that did this, all I can do is rely on Him. Hashem will decide what I will be able to recover, don’t worry I will make an effort, all I can do ask Him for help. So is this what they mean by bitachon?

Idiot thy name is group….

2006-05-19T11:48:00.000-04:00

Ahh, group therapy. The joys of seeking a masters in counseling with a bunch of unintelligible liberal minded nut cases. I left class wanting to kill someone, is this a good sign? Here is a thought, I am in a therapy group with 8 others I barley know; we are all there because we have no choice, it is a required class for the degree so why on earth am I being singled out because I choose not to “self disclose”?

Help me I think I may really commit a major sin!!!! Lashon Hora never looked so good.

Last night the other art therapy major led, they brought in supplies so we could all create. Their art background consists of crayons, markers, and elementary school. The point of art therapy is not so the client can skip the stuff that hurt/troubles them and regress to childhood. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I know I am whining, oh well, get over it. I think the liberals who lead my program need to buy a vowel and realize that they are increasing the issues rather than decreasing them. Life is not about being touchy feely and making “I” statements. Oh come now, own your thought. If I say something than I am owning the darn thing!!!

Any advice for how to live through this semester without killing any wanna be counselors?

its good to be poor

2006-05-12T12:08:00.000-04:00

My new obsession, drum roll please, poker. The only reason I love it is because I am not playing with real money…be ware though, I am getting pretty good!

HUH???

2006-05-07T18:53:00.000-04:00

So I am breaking an unknown code I am sure by blogging over myself, I am sure no one will have the patience to read my blog of last night which I posted this afternoon, it is a long rant, my apologies.... so here is my current thought.

What on earth is the point in waling you dog in a dog stroller??? For those of you wondering check out this site, they have pictures and everything,

just pet strollers

; I apologize for my techno ineptness, as I have attempted to insert it as a link.
What is the point though? You buy one of these strollers, put your dog in it, and go for a walk. Does the dog get a chance to "do his business"? Does the dog get any exercise? I think the answer is obvious, but WTF!!!! (Wow, did I just fake swear?) What is coming over me, so out of character, perhaps I am spending too much time with questionable characters!

a blank page

2006-05-07T15:53:00.000-04:00

I have been missing my mother these past hours, and that is not to say that I do not always miss her it has just been exacerbated these past hours, and it is not a fun feeling. Mothers day is coming up and I am rudely reminded of it when driving to work listening to the radio, while at work while scheduling MRI’s, when at home while relaxing with the radio (here is where I pretend I have no TV, and for those of you wondering it only gets 4 or 5 channels). I used to love this “holiday”. I would wake up really early and make my mom breakfast in bed, then get impatient waiting for her to wake up so I would wake her up around 8:30 possibly 9am. It is not as if we ever did anything special, but she was there. I would get her a cheesy card and of course one from the dog and cat….we would spend the morning doing mundane things, but she was there.
Some of you may be wondering why I am not calling upon my remaining parental unit for solace or perhaps you wonder why I don’t pester my sibling for some comfort, they don’t get me. Put as simply as I can they have no idea what to make of me. It is not as if they every really understood me, that role was left to my mother. She just knew what to say and how to tlak to me. When I was a freshman in college and completely miserable wanting to come home she spent over two hours on the phone with me and just knew what to say to me.
Imagine one of those old fashioned fire lines; the ones where everyone stood in a line from the well to the burning building passing full buckets up the line and empty ones down it. This is the only way I can think of to describe her loss; she held the largest spot in my line. She carried the most water the farthest. When she died I had this empty gap to try to fill. So now I am the one running up and down the line trying to carry as much water as possible the farthest that I possily can to put myself out. It is a truly ehxosting and impossible endeavor.
I am an adult, but that does not mean I don’t have days I can’t handle. I think the natural order is for people to get married and pass that major emotional support role from a parent to a spouse. That did not happen for me. Now I am worried that I will be trying to fill that role for myself for the rest of my life. I worry that I will expect too much of a husband; I worry that I will not expect enough; I worry that there is something wrong and I will never be able to fix it.
Yeah I know this was a real narcissistic blog, wow it really is true that these are totally self indulgent, but I just needed to say this all to know one in particular. For those of you who read this and know me, oh wait that would pretty much be all of my readers, don’t worry I’m not about to split my wrist’s in the bathtub or anything.
I hope you all enjoy your made up greeting card holiday next week. Go be major parts of the commercialism problem, buy your mothers gifts that spiral you deeper into the mire of personal dept, really go enjoy this idiotically named day. Do you think Hallmark makes a card for me?

Do we put out the fire or deal with the kindling???

2006-04-26T15:39:00.000-04:00

Shabbos lunch saw a political debate; no one should be surprised as I was eating at BB’s (Blog Blond) house. It is not really important what started the debate more what the end result was. The Frum community is very slow to change; this is both good and bad. However, this inability or perhaps unwillingness to change is causing fires to pop up throughout our communities.

Here is an example. Apparently one of the Rebbitzens in the Detroit community who does a lot of kiruv work wanted to teach a class entitled, “I’m Frum, now what?” She wanted to deal with the problems or questions that BT’s often have in regards to raising their children, or shiduchum for their children. This seems to be a great idea and a class I would readily attend, so you might wonder why it is not being taught? Apparently people in the community, not the BT’s from what I understand, felt it would create a community that had a class system. News flash, there already is a class system of sorts.

I am not sure the orthodox communities are the only ones that put band-aids on problems rather than trying to solve them. My brother and I were discussing this issue in regards to metal detectors in schools and other like topics. Why then, do we choose to ignore a problem when it is relatively easy to address? Why do we wait until it is full-fledged bonfire and nearly impossible to solve?

Yomtov multiple-choice test…

2006-04-21T12:15:00.000-04:00

Well I hope all you dear gentle readers had a great Pesach. Over here in Michigan the weather was fabulous and the food was matzo filled. Here are the two questions for today’s test….

Question one:
What do you do when at every meal people try to throw names at you for dating?
a. Politely say thank you ever so much for thinking of me and perhaps after Yomtov we can talk.
b. Smile and nod
c. Tersely reply that you are not dating because men/women are scum
d. Walk away quickly

Question two
What do you do when you are at someone’s house for a meal and the family pet (dog) dies in the living/dining room five minutes after you walk in the door?
a. Tell your host that you are sorry for their loss and will come for a meal at a better time
b. Ask to use the bathroom and then sneak out the window
c. Mill around outside the house with the other guests wondering quietly if you should just go.
d. No nothing and hope the food is good

For those or you who are wondering, yes both these questions are relevant to my holiday enjoyment…boy was that an interesting meal! I will let you know what the correct answers are sometime next week.

quasi truths

2006-04-10T12:17:00.000-04:00

I am not sure what the deal is with psychology, it is all a bunch of crazy theories that apply to one group or another but never to the whole, so what on earth is the point!!!!

motherless child…

2006-04-03T15:02:00.000-04:00

For those of you who know Sweetwater this refrain is not so odd, for those of you who don’t, well… check out the music of the 60’s. Sometimes I do feel like a motherless child. It is as if she never was, as if she existed only in my memory. There are days it hurts too much to remember and days I don’t think about it at all. I went to her grave last week, was it supposed to make me feel better?

Its Pesach time, yahoo!!! The time when we go crazy with bleach and scrub until our hands are raw, ok so some people who are not me do this, but you get my point. This, more so than other holidays, seems to be a time for family. I don’t really have one of those anymore. My father, whom I love and respect, is remarried and it seems that there is little place for me. My brother, whom I also love, is dating a non Jew and seems not to want me to deeply involved in his life…I make him think about his choices simply by living my own. I want to have to work at this time of year. I want to be worried about pretzels and cheerios being everywhere. I want little hands to be getting in my way. I have wanted, perhaps even needed, this since before my mother died.

It is not that I am depressed per say, it is simply that some times I get a little melancholy about being alone. I am happy. I am, really, I choose to be happy most of the time.

A friend from Israel got engaged, Mazol Tov, it is great really. Sometimes I wonder if it will always be those around me getting the Mazol Tovs. It is nuts to think this way, I know.

Oh yeah, and for those of you who actually know me, don’t worry I am not jumping of a bridge anytime soon I just needed to say all of this regardless of it making any sense or not. I just love free therapy.

Computer thy name is evil.....

2006-03-28T12:10:00.000-05:00

My computer, oh that trusty friend ate my paper!!! It is not as if I did any thing to the computer, nope, it decided to fulfill a vendetta against me, whose I know not! Oh well the paper was not that great any way.

Hmmmm, any one else notice how aerodynamic a laptop really is?

Insanity…

2006-03-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results what is the word for doing stupid things over and over again and expecting them to not be stupid????

Number 2……

2006-03-20T08:54:00.000-05:00

Date number 2, also a good one, wow who knew? Here is the question for those men out there who read my blog. He asked me what I would do if I disagreed with my husband on a hashkafah issue. My response was basically, when you agree to marry someone you agree to their hashkafah. This is not to say you cannot have a conversation about your viewpoints and not that you can’t disagree, but it should be done in private and ultimately it is the husbands call. So then he asked, what if it went completely against the grain for you, my response was similar to the first. I would talk to my husband, and if I really felt it was not within the realm of reality I would talk to our Rav.

I am not sure he liked my answer, was he trying to figure out what I do when I get mad???

The quandary continues and we will see if there is a 3rd date in the future. I just have to say this guy has incredible middos!

Psychobabble rears its ugly head

2006-03-13T11:36:00.000-05:00

Why do we yell at those we love? As most of you know I work for my father (we won’t go into details on that now…). We tend to bring family arguments into the office, no not professional I know. Today was an interesting day, here I am flying high on the news that a good friend in Israel just gave birth to a boy, their first child, I am running around the office with a huge grin on my face and being absurdly polite to everyone attempting to spread my good cheer. As I am bringing a patient back into the exam room area and past my father’s private office I don’t pause to close the door. You may wonder why this is important, in fact I wonder why this is important. Half the time his door is ajar and the other half it is closed. There is no rhyme or reason to the door. He closes it when he wants/needs privacy and the rest of the time leaves it open. Today he got upset, slammed the door and when I knocked to tell him a patient was here he yelled at me for not closing the door.

No, this does not make sense. I am aware of that, he expected me to read his mind and close his door. I failed miserably in mind reading class, so…. This is not really my point, my point happened after the fact. When he had calmed down he came and apologized to me, I accepted with out questioning. He said this though, “I don’t yell at any one else, I only yell at you.” This made me think about a line from a book/move. It is a friend asking another friend why she has no problem telling her she hates her, the friend replies, “because you know I will always love you.” This is true; no matter what crazy stuff we pull in our lives there are those people who will always love us. We don’t hesitate to yell at them or rage or let ourselves be crazy. Should we be more careful? I know my dad loves me, I know he did not mean it, but it still hurt when he yelled.

Yet again….

2006-03-08T16:44:00.000-05:00

Yet again I have a date. This one is local, as in I do not have to travel anywhere, yeah for the local mysterious 6! I have heard rumors of frum single guys here in Motown, but have not met or seen them thus far. So now the big debate is, where does he pick me up?

I miss Israel and the meet. In Israel when I had a date I would get on a bus, unless I was running late which was most of the time, and go to a hotel lobby for the meet. It was then a bunch of nicely dressed girls and a bunch of nicely dressed guys playing guess which one is your date. Often times I wished I had lied to the ones that were my date! Ok, well only once and as you can imagine I did not do it. It makes for a good story, me and vomit man. Back to the problem at hand, is it appropriate for him to pick me up at my apartment?

Consider this, I live alone, unless you count Bella and Cleo the wonder cats, but they are not much help in this situation. As CG put it, “you don’t want him to think you are hefker.” What does this mean exactly? Another thing, I am an adult, it is weird that I am supposed to have parent figures at the house when I get picked up so they can “check him out,” whatever that actually means. The P’s have offered me their house, but they live on a block with lots of prying eyes, so what’s a girl to do? Well dear reader I will let you know what happens in the end, and fear not I have put the question to my LOR, well not so local, but Israel is just an e-mail away!

Just a side note here, someone said that had I married toast I could have had croutons! Just thought it was amusing enough to share.

Wedding Fun

2006-03-06T09:57:00.000-05:00

Well, she did, AnySara is married!!! The wedding, for all of you who missed it, was a blast. Soulmate and AnySara seemed to both truly enjoy the festivities; they kept making goggalie eyes at each other and we all had to keep wiping our eyes! Mazol Tov to you two. I keep forgetting about the fact that you will be moving far away, I am still in denial and am quite happy that way.

I will miss seeing you every few days. Be happy, be well, and be blessed!

Toast and other things

2006-02-26T20:13:00.000-05:00

Well, the date was a waste of time. The guy reminded me of dried toast, not a good thing. He kept trying to make me frum, ummm news flash, I AM FRUM!!! He also had no sense of humor, was socially inept and told me about his colon surgery last year. Need I say more???

Rather than have the whole weekend a wash I planned a mini reunion Shabbos with lots of friends from Israel, only three could make it, but did we have a blast. Before I get ahead of my self though I should tell you all about my run in with the law. I ended up spending two hours at the police station eruv Shabbos because my friend’s car was towed, never mind that we thought it was stolen. So after yelling at the police on the phone and reminding them that they are public servants and should help those in need; we got a lift to the station by a nice lady we met while buying cholent meat. At the police station they informed us that although there were no signs indicating we could not park where we had; the car had been gleefully towed and it would take us two hours, $122, one fax, and a lot of patience to get the car back. We met a really great couple from Brooklyn, she was an extremely well dressed frum lady with attitude and her husband was a low-key guy in jeans. Her boot never stopped tapping and her husband schmoozed with us while she attempted to speed things up with the cops. The day was not lost though as we may have made a shiddoch between his brother and a good friend of ours.

At 2pm having basically none of Shabbos made we dashed home and sped produced a huge quantity of fabulous food. Shabbos was great, relaxing, funny, and just amazing!

Moving on to other interesting topics from my trip……. while at breakfast with good friends C and D I introduced my new theory on guys in dating; here it is for you all to rip apart or agree with as you see fit. I think that the “good” guys are having too much fun dating and have no desire to settle down with one person as this is just too much commitment and to frightening a prospect for them. Hear me out, these guys are great dates. They have a good time talking and doing random things like bowling with lots of great, beautiful, and fun girls; why would they want to stop?

On another note, I realize I am great date if I am not at all interested in the guy! Ugh they monotony continues and I will try to keep you all updated in AnySara style.

On My Way....

2006-02-20T18:55:00.000-05:00

I am on my way to New York, or will be in a few days; to meet a guy I have never spoken to, e-mailed, or seen. Am I crazy? My Rebbitzen, the one who is acting as the shadchan, asked me if I wanted him to call me to plan where to meet etc., I said no. Am I nuts? I was thinking I don’t really want to talk on the phone because I hate dating and am horrible at it. The truth is I am a disgustingly awful dater, on the bright side I am great at actual relationships…. what does this say about me?

sleep...

2006-02-13T01:59:00.000-05:00

its almost 2 am and i am in a sketchy hotel room in miami florida attempting to recover from to much dancing at a wedding.....ouch my aching feet! new requierment for the perspective spouse, he has to give good foot rubs!!! any way more on the wedding insanity later, like after i have slpet for a good while. this mornings wake up call of, "pssst.....i'm getting married today" after about 4 or 5 hrs sleep was, well, it just was

Feminism is dead…or at least on hiatus

2006-02-09T12:13:00.000-05:00

Betty Friedan died and it has made me reminisce about college women’s studies classes. What was I thinking??? I am amazed at this new wave of feminism; it seems to be all about women wanting to be men. Sorry to disappoint but I have no desire to use a urinal! Women seem to be disturbed by the fact that they are female. I kind of like it to tell you the truth, I’m very content with the fact that I will never be as physically strong as a man. Men and women are different and I am so ok with that, but does that mean I am not a feminist???
I took the classes and liked them at the time, although I am not sure I have ever seen more angry women in one room at one time. I found a lot of what we learned interesting, but is Snow White really creating the problem of a rape culture??? Friedan seemed to question women who wanted to stay home; she seemed to wonder if they were content. Personally speaking I think there is something amazing about a woman who is secure and content and happy taking care of her family. I am amazed at the strong and very intelligent women I know who cook, clean, and care for their homes and children; it is an admirable thing. Society seems to say that for a woman to be happy and content she has to be a CEO, mother, wife, community activist, and beauty queen; or at least that was what I was led to believe while growing up. We are told we must excel at all of these things and not let any of the "balls" drop, but no one ever told us how to do this. No wonder women are so angry being women.
I am not sure any of my psychobabble makes sense, but I was just thinking about it… Feel free to tell me I am a disgrace to feminists everywhere! However, I reserve the right to tell you that you are wrong and also slightly nuts!

Same old same old

2006-02-07T12:30:00.000-05:00

Sorry to all my avid readers, all three of you, I was unable to update as usual this Sunday as I was in Chicago for the day. It was a blast, but let me tell you, traveling with kids, even well behaved older kids can be a bit, ummm, trying. We went to the science museum and out to dinner, yummy salt bagels.
The job search continues and I must say it stinks. I have sent out so many CV’s and cover letters that I have no idea which jobs I have applied for and which ones I just looked at. Ugh! Also my federal aid for grad school is not going to happen for this year after all, the man seems to be getting me down.
On a non-personal note, there was an article in last weeks “New Yorker” about the new pope. Is any one else a little concerned by his inability to hold the Nazi’s responsible for their actions??? The government is responsible, the people from that time are apparently not culpable….why on earth is he a religious leader?? I though the last pope apologized for the church’s inaction? Well who knows what tomorrow will bring. It seems we are being reminded that we are truly in gulus and that we should not get to comfortable.

Liberal or Conservative, that is the question

2006-01-29T14:40:00.000-05:00

A new problem has arisen, the issue of where my political leanings lean. I am not abandoning my liberal roots, but am I a liberal still??? Sure I believe that the U.S. has no right to dictate what I do with my uterus but does that mean I am pro abortion? I have a major problem with the way it is allowed wily nily. We have women in this country who use abortion as a kind of birth control. I don’t think this was its intended purpose so the question becomes how do we regulate this problem? I am not opposed to pro-life ideals, but I don’t think I have the right to dictate to someone else what their choices should be. However, I am not saying I would not like the opportunity to discuss their choice with them and perhaps give them other options, but….

I admit I did not vote for Bush in the last election, no I did not vote for Kerry either. Who did I vote for you wonder, well I took the cowards way out as I just could not stomach the thought of actually voting for Bush. I will leave it to you intelligent readers to decide what that means though. Now I am left in a quandary, am I a conservative liberal or a liberal conservative?

What a quagmire (after quandary I just had to use this one). I am not sure why this is bothering me today, but I am constantly wondering where I stand on issues of “global” importance. How do I really feel about the war in Iraq…this one is a tough one? I know solders over there, but I am not sure I like the idea of war. I know I know hamas was just voted into power and I really need to get behind the idea that some people should be killed. I guess in a way that answers it, I am still optimistic. I still want to believe that good will triumph over evil and that Superman, oops I mean Superwoman, really does exist.

The Update

2006-01-22T14:48:00.000-05:00

I am turning 27 in seven days. So yes I am a little freaked out. The week leading up to a birthday, at least for me, is a week of inane introspection. What is the point of all my psychobabble? I over analyze and think too much.

I am turning 27 and I have no job, or at least no full time job. I am just starting my graduate program, and it is not at a stellar school. I have not had a good date in over a year, unless I count the night last week when my dad took me to the auto show. Argh!!! Yeah, I know I am kvetching. I will get over it quick enough.

On to more interesting things; I have been put in charge of the flower centerpieces for AS’s wedding. I am a bit nervous, so this art degree of mine is supposed to help with this one right?

Heat and other things

2006-01-16T12:19:00.000-05:00

AHHHHHHHHHH my heating bill multiplied itself times 5. How did it do that?????

Dating, or a lack thereof

2006-01-13T09:32:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say I hate it. Why do I sit around, ok so I don’t actually sit around, waiting for the phone to ring? Ok so that is a gross exaggeration, but the thing is, well I am not sure of the thing I just know I am sick of shiduchim and cyber dating and all those so called frum dating web sites. ARGH!!! Can you feel my frustration? I think I am just going to get my masters and move to Seattle, Washington where there are reportedly 4 guys to date. Who cares if none of them work for me; I will live my life happy in my location and job and adopt 50 cats and 35 dogs. Perhaps Scotland would be better, hmmm, something to think about.

As a somewhat side note; when suggesting someone to an individual it is probably best not to start off with, “I am not going to lie to you, he is not so attractive. He is kind of short, a little chubby, oh yeah and he is loosing his hair.” This statement will be taken as; he is short, fat, bald, and ugly. Then adding after this disastrous description that he will treat me like a queen does not really help any. Perhaps I am shallow, but who wants to date a person described this way?

Slightly Shady Things I Love To Do

2006-01-10T12:33:00.000-05:00

What will I miss about my current job, reading patient MRI's and letters. What is so wrong with it? I never have a clue who is who even when I see them in the office. I just find it so interesting all the medical jargon and such. AnySara, BlogBlond, will you post bail for me????

Home Improvement

2006-01-08T21:17:00.000-05:00

So, here is a major lesson learned. Never trust me to do anything more important than painting. If you decide to ignore this advice, give me very explicit directions and check on me often, perhaps every 3 or 4 minuets, anything longer may be pushing it. Having said that, I never want to paint again as I now have paint in my hair and on my face and under my nails and argh………..

I love you AnySara and am glad I got to help paint the house

Health wars

2006-01-01T14:05:00.000-05:00

In my ongoing attempt to be a healthy individual I attempted to join a gym last week. Let me tell you all about the insanity of today’s society. At the gym in question you are required to sign a waiver form before they allow you to exercise. That is normal, but if you read the waiver; along with the standard stuff, i.e. how you are responsible if you have a heart attack or fall over one of the machines, they add a line at the very end on how you, the client, are responsible for their, the gym’s, negligence. Why? Why should I sign a piece of paper that says if they mess up and I am hurt by their inability to run a safe work out environment I have to be held accountable.

Why does no one in today’s society ever take responsibility for his or her own actions or mistake.

Bittersweet

2005-12-27T17:43:00.000-05:00

I am often amazed at the curative powers of stories. Books, plays, and oral tales when well told can uplift the human heart even when it is in its deepest misery. If one takes a well-loved book off the shelf to peruse then one can be transported to a new world. It is an act of willfully giving up ones ties to reality and suspending oneself in the imagination and creatice genius of another.

I often revisit friends in this manner. A charachter that has gotten me through difficult times in the past or allowed me to participate in their fun and amusements is a comfort. At the moment I am enjoying their comfort as I watch a good friend walk forward into her future. She is moving onwards and I am ecstatic for her; at the same time I will miss her company. AnySara is moving on. She has found her mate and will be embarking on new adventures with him by her side, I wish them only joy. As one left behind though I feel melancholy. I will miss being able to show up at her door to chat or dragging her 40 miles out of the way for applee cider. I will miss her. THe relationships in life seem transient. I know we will still talk and laugh about things, but something has changed. I miss yesterday even as I run towards tomorrow.

I hope I will always be blessed with this kind of bittersweet emotion. Being able to share in another's happiness is a gift I relish, and yet the sadness is also there. I know if I were a mechanical being I would never feel life's pain but nor would i feel the joy that is there to be treasured. So as I watch happily from the sidelines I want to wish AnySara and ther Chosson only simcha. I pray that Hashem will always be a part of your life together and that He will always allow you to see the good things. Remeber the good days when you are having a rough one, remeber the moments of joy and forget the sorrows. May the road always rise up to greet you and may you always draw strength from one another

X-Mas with the Jews

2005-12-24T22:05:00.000-05:00

So I am visiting family, as if no one figured that one out, and what do you think a nice Jewish girl does on a motzei Shabbos while visiting family?? Go to a x-mas party of course. Why on earth would I be doing anything else on the 24th of December? I suppose I should back up and tell you all about my Shabbos here with the fam.
Here it is, my Aunt is a doc and has a bunch of patients in the frum community. So she found me a host for dinner and sleeping and a different family to eat lunch with. Dinner was fun with her coming over half way through and regaling us with my flaming bal teshuvah stage stories and the fact that I was shopping in her closet for cloths, even though she is a lot taller than I am and a completely different build. Nothing to interesting or traumatic yet. Lunch the next day, well I learned how “modern” the community was when, while at lunch we had an intense debate about shiduchim (matchmakers) and the father of the house used a word I am not sure I should type. It begins with a “s” and ends with a “x” so go ahead and fill in the blank, I only left out one letter. The kids seemed mortified and the wife gave him a look like, what did you just say?!? But the funny thing was the wife seemed more on the modern side than the husband, goes to show what I know.
Ok so now we have lived through a very odd lunch involving a frank discussion of my personal life, apparently he is a lawyer and loves making people squirm. Off to the post Shabbos festivities involving my Jewish Aunt, Grandfather, Cousins, and me. We went to my Aunt’s close friend’s, and yes, she is also Jewish along with her two kids, house for a party. Now what kind of party would one expect to go to on December 24th??? That’s right you guessed it, a x-mas party!!!! So there I was trying to be inconspicuous at this food gorge extravaganza, at least there was no pork. The lady of the house kept offering me cheese, like cheese is the one food that does not need a hechsher (symbol) on it to state that it is kosher. It was very odd. However, being the good Jew that I am I locked myself in the bathroom and called a friend for moral support and so she could laugh at me with me! Oh well, alls well that ends well. I will spend tomorrow trapped in an airport listening to the music of the season being piped through the loud speakers, what we go through for family.

Communication or a lack thereof

2005-12-22T19:57:00.000-05:00

Let’s agree to disagree, in my family these are words most often used to end a “discussion.” Why does this bother me? I think the fundamental issue with this statement, at least in my family, is that no one really ever understands what the other person is trying to say. While speaking with my 90-year-old Grandpa about religion, he brought it up; I realized that we don’t speak the same language.
He was asking my position on Israel as a state, and while I think I will leave politics out of this blog for now, I explained my thoughts to him, but he could not understand my answer. Why? I think it comes down to an issue of faith. He thinks I am not living in the real world, he thinks that my faith is nice, but not real or realistic. What could be more real than my belief in God? Why am I labeled as an idealist or nut case simply because I choose to believe in one God, and that He (for lack of a better term) created all that exists?
Grandpa will never understand my arguments, because he will never understand my faith. I can try to understand his arguments, but I am not sure I will do any better. I think my Grandpa is amazing, but I do not think we will ever manage to truly "agree to disagree" since we can never manage to understand what is we are agreeing to!

Society at large

2005-12-20T21:05:00.000-05:00

Be careful you are about to hit the slippery slope. Has any one actually ever said this? Or more importantly has anyone actually listened to it? What is it that makes us take that first step towards self-destruction? I wonder why people begin something they know is inherently bad for them. I am speaking about really self-destructive behavior like taking heroin or even, though less menacing, smoking. Why begin something you know is likely to kill you?
What drives someone to slowly kill himself or herself? There must be something that connects these types of people. It is not as if they have a psychotic disorder, or perhaps that type of behavior is a disorder.
Here is another question, why do we idolize these types of people? We write plays about them (Rent) and books. We glorify the weakest behavior. I think it is an immensely selfish thing to allow yourself to walk the path of self-destruction. This goes along with our selfish culture though. My actions are never my responsibility. The media or Hollywood or better yet, my parents caused my actions. We are living in a society where no one seems to be held accountable for their actions and where the more self centered you are the “healthier” you are reputed to be.
What is wrong with putting others before yourself? What is wrong with doing something to better someone else’s life? I love the thought, “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is yours.” I do not claim to be a completely altruistic person, but why is altruism not a goal people ascribe to?

Thoughts of Chocolate

2005-12-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

Mint chocolate, how I love thee. Why are you only around once a year???

The family life

2005-12-18T15:25:00.000-05:00

I want to begin by saying I love my family. They are really great people who try to help me out even when they don’t understand me. Having said that, why is it I have such a hard time trying to get them to understand my choices? Should I bother, I feel like they are my family and will love me unconditionally, that is their purpose, but I want so much for them to understand my life choices. I am an orthodox Jew and very happy and content with this decision. It is not always easy, but I gain so much from my faith and the laws that guide me. I love being able to turn to our ancestors for answers to questions I have. I love that learning about Avraham and Sarah gives me faith and understanding.

Being religious means I have to think before I act or speak. Before I eat something I have to think about first is this kosher and then what bracha to say. Why does this bother my brother so much? You would think the fact that I do not do things indiscriminately would appeal to his very logical step-by-step nature, but no, it does not seem to work that way. The more logic there is in my life choices the less he approves or understands. I don’t need his understanding, but I want it. Perhaps this is me expecting more of him than he is capable of; however, I still want him to love me no matter what choices I make. I am trying to do that for him.

I don’t approve of my Kohen brother dating a non-Jew. I will never approve. Yet, I love him still. I try to support him in his life choices. No I will not attend his wedding if he does indeed marry this girl. I am sure she is very nice, I have nothing against her, but I want my nieces and nephews to be Jewish. I want to share my joys and sorrows with my brother, he is the only sibling I have. Aside from me he is all that is left of my mother.

Being a bal teshuvah is great. I love learning and growing in my Torah observance. I am not ashamed of my past; the actions and choices I made in the past led me to where I am today, without them I would not be who I am. However, I miss being able to discuss all of my life with my family. I miss being at ease with them; I miss my mother and her understanding (she passed away 5 years ago). I miss the illusion of life being easy.

Upon further reflection

2005-12-15T18:44:00.000-05:00

While discussing the country music issue I have with a colleague I realized something, I had to adjust to the music. So why is it we, humans, put ourselves through that adjustment stage? We build up a liking for foods, drinks and other such items, why???? The process is not usually fun, yet we do it. It is like the universal comment, “this tastes/smells/looks funny, here taste/smell/look at it.” Why do we do it?

Why I listen to country music

2005-12-15T09:13:00.000-05:00

So I am publicly, well kind of publicly, admitting that I listen to and even enjoy country music. Why you might ask?? Well there is little to no foul language, the songs are rarely about sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but mostly because it actually tells a story.
I love that about it. In the space of a minuet or two a short story is told. They are not always interesting or good, but they often entertain. The big problem is I have become an emotional wreck over them. Yeah I know how is it a song about the chickens and cornfields can draw tears? That is a valid question and I am not sure there is a valid answer. I should review my psychology notes and see if there is anything in there about displacement or just simple insanity. These days even the radio commercials (I don’t own a TV) can draw a tear or two. I think I should seek some sort of help or perhaps just switch the dial.
As my father asks, “:what is that red neck station on in your car?” Well Pops, I wish I had an answer, but NPR was giving me road rage and there is nothing else on. AM stations are ok, but the constant chatter drives me nuts and since the country music seems to mean I am nuts already I don't think I need any help.
Just so you all know I was going to rant about my older brother and his desire to argue with me incessantly over nothing, but that seemed a little to tedious for before work.

The Beginning

2005-12-14T16:56:00.000-05:00

This is the beginning of my life as a blogger. I have realized that I have far to many random thoughts and rants to be a simple commenter, thus the birth of my own blog! To begin I will first and foremost apologize for my horrific spelling, there will be things I miss with a spell check, just ignore and move on.

I was wondering about cell phone etiquette while one is driving. This morning while driving to work, down a major road, a woman a few cars in front of me just stopped. She was inching along talking on the cell phone. Now I was duly impressed and pleased that she stopped driving while talking, but why on earth did she have to stop in the middle of traffic???? There was a side street about 10 feet in front of her. What on earth was that about? I was ready to throw a fit, but alas I simply drove on. For those of you keeping track, I still managed to get to work on time.

Once at work I felt like jumping out of my skin. My job consists of stuffing envelopes, answering phones, and the truly dreaded job of filing patient charts. I work for a doctor and have noticed that once I get a file to its proper alphabetical place either the doctor or the billing department need it five minuets later. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I really hate filing and have devised a method for teaching children the alphabet and gaining child labor. Simply force elementary students to file charts and viola no more paper cuts for me. I have been told that not only is this illegal but also will make the recovery of the charts difficult, oh well I thought it was a good idea at the time.

The monotonous life seems to loom before me in ever growing abundance. What with school tuition, rent, heat, food, cloths, and everything else that seems a true necessity I seem to be running a distant second in the rat race of life.