Sleeplessness seems to follow me these days, that and a twitchy left eye. I am 27 and feeling rather restless. I bought a house…why you may ask would someone buy a house in an area they do not like, well, there is no easy answer to that one. I suppose I want a place to live that I will feel comfortable in, but I am not sure that is a good answer.

I hate my job. I hate my classes. I am not enjoying things too much these days. This is a strange issue as I am generally a very positive glass in half full type, but it is fading with my youth.

I am not old I just feel it. I buried one parent and watched another marry. I have seen death claim loved ones in numerous ways, ranging from suicide to drowning to devastating disease. Why am I dwelling on this? Is this what happens to the Jewish psyche during the three weeks and more specifically the nine days? Is it possible to be chronically depressed and not want to solve it? Is it possible to sabotage ones own life and not realize it?

I have a new theory about some people; here it is so bear with me people (it is still a work in progress). I think that sometimes people attempt to get close to you, to reach out and try to get to know you, to begin a relationship with no intent on cultivating it. I think some people need to start and never end. They have a desire to put in a bit of effort just so they can say they tried it. The truth is these people do not want to deal with anyone’s baggage, even their own. They like to give the impression that they are monuments to righteousness and a sterling example of all that is good, however, they are only putting on a show.

A harsh reality, life is not fair. A harsher reality, life is not easy. The harshest of all realities, life is so acutely painful that sometimes you wonder what the purpose is.

Pain, it is supposed to build character and enable us, humans, to grow. Really it just hurts. Everyone likes to say how strong so and so is, or how strong they think I am, in reality I cower like everyone else. I hurt and feel pain and bleed just as easily as the next person.

I need to be and give love just as you do, remember that the next time you want to say something nasty to me. I am just as unimportant or important as you are; I am just as replaceable.